facebook is my new fetish

yea..iv neglected this blogging thing.. oops?
actually im not really too concerned about it. i found a new novelty..facebook..
the entire universe is on there! initially i was not too interested cos it seemed pretty much like many of those millions of other profile adding,group starting, forum/discussion beggining sites..of which i have joined a million.. i gues this one is intriguing cos of the amount of people that are part of it.. like usually when u sign up its the usual internet crowd that irc chats, or is on ur msg that have joined..but here..its without an exaggeration.. someone from every circle of friends or family i have! from school (both high and primary) to university, to travel buddies.. well...its fun for now i gues.. so il enjoy it while it lasts. i have however decided to only accept people that i know in real life..like i have met before. cos one has a tendancy to make or accept as friends people we dont know and just chat to online :/ im not gonna do that! to date i have accepted 2 people who i have not not met...il hold on to them for now :) they nice anyway!

ok im out.. to do some facebook time wasting

xXx

marriage..the final one!

no..this post has nothing to do with me and marriage.. :) InshaAllah..such a post will grace this blog one day!! haha

its 23h48 and im about to start last of my assignments for this term!! topic is marriage!
shooh! its been a marathon run!

hope i get to sleep before 3am :/

Don’t you hate when you are misinterpreted? Either tone or meaning. Especially by people who do not know you very well. It’s quite annoying and infuriating to say the least. If you say something sarcastic or you say something in a joke and someone takes it literally or gets angry that is enough to make one angry too. cos u know what! they dont know you ! Argh…It’s annoying!

One other thing that’s annoying is that people never understand or get you the way you are... they always make interpretation of how it seems or comes across... so what am I meant to do? Act in a different way in order to be perceived in the way that I am?? Should my actions differ in order so that they are understood to mean what I mean when I act the way I do? Hmm not only one incident made me post….but this has been something that has always come up! So… do I not act friendly towards certain friends (usually guys) ‘cos they may think I mean this n that...when I don’t? - this has nothing to do with my ranting but thort id just add it cos its theme related :)

I was on a roll doing my bloody assignments now I’m pissed off! Argh I hate how ppl affect me!

Then u sms to say ‘sorry that’s not what I meant’ and they don’t reply !!!!!
I think I’m tired of considering other people! I’m done with it!

And yes this is directed(at you)and not general. I don’t care! I’m irritated ‘cos u irritated me and now I’m distracted and can’t get back to work!!! And no no1 knows who you are so you don’t have to put an apologetic comment here!

Let me get back to work!

1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10 *deepbreath* exhale*

and i dont even like southpark but this picture was cool

overboard

ok.. so iv done like a million of them tests on http://www.blogthings.com and thort id post random ones.. enjoy :)

im normal..

You Are 70% Weird

You're so weird, you think you're *totally* normal. Right? But you wig out even the biggest of circus freaks!

How Weird Are You?

oops

You Are 70% Addicted to the Internet

In your opinion, life without the internet is hardly worth living. Could be, but you probably need a bit more fresh air and sunshine to think clearly.

Are You Addicted to the Internet?

seems im addicted to these tests too :/

lookin for me? .. hmm.. tired of the wait..

Men See You As Choosy

Men notice you light years before you notice them You take a selective approach to dating, and you can afford to be picky You aren't looking for a quick flirt - but a memorable encounter It may take men a while to ask you out, but it's worth the wait

How Do Men See You?

Your True Love Will Find You Eventually

You definitely put yourself out there a little - but you could be doing more. If you're truly looking for love, try doing more things and meeting more people. You don't have to actively look for love, you just need to stay active. Be out there a little more, and the right person will find you!

Will Your True Love Find You?

not only desire ;)

tis not only my longing to return that say i should go.. 2 different tests say so too!!

You Belong in London

A little old fashioned, and a little modern. A little traditional, and a little bit punk rock. A unique soul like you needs a city that offers everything. No wonder you and London will get along so well.

What City Do You Belong In?

You Belong in London

You belong in London, but you belong in many cities... Hong Kong, San Francisco, Sidney. You fit in almost anywhere. And London is diverse and international enough to satisfy many of your tastes. From curry to Shakespeare, London (almost) has it all!

What European City Do You Belong In?

..if only mum could understand

You Are a Night Person

For you, there's nothing worse than having to get up and moving early. In fact, you probably don't hit your peak until well after the sun has set. So if your struggling to make it on a normal schedule, realize it's not your fault. You just weren't meant to do anything during the day!

Are You a Morning Person or Night Person?

Na'ima B. Roberts is an amazing a author and beautiful Muslim woman. I fell in love with her book "From my sisters' lips" - (ladies if you have a chance get it and read it). It her and other Muslim sisters' stories of reverting to Islam and the steps taken to get onto the path, as well as Muslims taking the steps to get BACK onto the righteous path. This poem i found of her's that hit home when i read it :)

Do we do all we can to worship our Lord as much as we can, regardless of the opinions and maybe even oppressions of our society?? Have a read, its truely Ma'shaAllah :)

I worship my Lord
(A Muslim in the West)
by Na’ima B. Robert

I wake before dawn.
No muadhin calls me,
No footsteps stir me,
Instead society spurns me,
Labels me and burns me.
But everyday,
I wake before dawn.

I wear my hijab.
No father threatens me,
No religious police warn me,
Instead society judges me
Mocks me and shuns me.
But everyday,
I wear my hijab.

I rear my children.
No family pressures me,
No work barriers limit me,
Instead society shames me,
Names me and blames me.
But everyday,
I rear my children.

I follow the Sunnah.
No culture defines me,
No history holds me,
Instead, society scolds me,
Re-makes and moulds me.
But every day, I follow the Sunnah.

I strive for Paradise.
No teachers indoctrinate me,
No worldly hardships sedate me,
Instead society rejects me,
Tempts me and affects me.
But every day, I strive for Paradise.

I worship my Lord.
No imam compels me,
No rules force my heart,
Instead, society fears me,
And dares not come near me.
But every day, I worship my Lord.

Every day,
In every way,
Through hardship and strife
And the all-consuming,
O so fleeting
Bitter sweetness of life,
I worship my Lord.

I worship
My Lord.

another all nighter

*sigh* self inflicted torture (u know i spelt it torcher now :/ my brain doesn't work anymore).. i think that should be my middle name or last minute Jane :/ i dunno where 'jane' comes from.. ?
argh.. its 2:28 and im not half way thru an assignment due tomoro..or should i say later today.
u know i thort this year was going to be a breeze.. *sigh* its not so easy...well.. its easy enough if i manage my time.. which i have never been able to do. i always do things in my time.. and my time always seems to be overestimated.
anyways.. not gonna make this a long post.. gotsa go read some books and type some words.
im freezing cold sitting at the dining room table.. my toes are frozen despite the socks and my nose too.. and u know that feeling of an oncoming flu or cold... iv got that! oh did i mention i have a test tomoro too.. and nuh uh have i looked at my books/notes. it terrible.. but agh.. i gues i must, on a subconscious level or something *rolls eyes*, enjoy this torture of sleepless nights and rundown immune systems?? where is my mind at.. *sigh* thats all i can do..is sigh..

my favourite t-shirt

Got it on sale at Urban Outfitters for like 1/4 the price :) twas 5pounds.

i luv smart-ass tshirts. once in highschool this guy had a blunt t-shirt on.. it said 'just done it' the face of a comic dude on the t-shirt had Nike tick as his mouth.. LOVED it!!

and those rip off t-shirts (what are they called?those that put a spin on brands like FNB etc) have their moments too.. not all of them are great..but some of them are hillarious!

i love commentry on clothing.. whats your favourite??

Ever have the tendancy?

Procrastination of note

its 2:45am and iv just been doing nothing for the last few hours.. been online.. been wasting time chatting and idling and nothings. i have soooooooo much to do for school on Monday but its just not happening. i stay up late doing nothing then sleep til late in the morning :/ i have reading to do to get my assignments started but i cant get going. iv told myself since last week..that i was gonna get stuff done. i think its cos is alot to do my mind is overwhelmed. mayb im just lazy. last minutes have always worked for me.. and i guess im programmed into that mindset..so uncool cos i spend nights awake 'working' or trying to work without actually working or getting anything done.

this is what my desk looks like now.. :( see how none of the books are open.. damn i should get started.. lots to do!

wanna show you these other pictures too.. its a butterfly that was stuck inside on the sliding doors.. i took it onto my hand to let if free outside.. it sat still.. i wish my mind could sit still. its usually like a butterfly not wanting to rest. all over the place. maybe i should find myself suck on a sliding door then a helping hand will set me free? ok that makes no sense cos im sleepy. i may wake up tomorrow and come delete this post cos it makes no sense :/ but for now it has to do :) maybe i am stuck on a glass door i see where i want to be but cant get out.. hmm.. when will that hand of guidance take me out. maybe the hand is there but i dnt realise its helpful :/ and i just need to sit still for a while in order to see this? hmm.. maybe i am making sense.

here are the pictures :)

its 3:22am now.. did some more random stuff.. these pics took ages to load.. including error msg's :/ think its best i go nap.. or maybe i should just do reading til Fajr... then sleep.. im not tired.. anyhow.. il be off..

I dont do tags ..

The instructions are to answer every question with an answer of three words. No more, no less.

1. Where is your cell phone? - next to me
2. Boyfriend/girlfriend? – does not exist
3. Hair? unbrushed and damp
4. Your mother? called just now
5. Your father? is very busy
6. Your favorite item(s)? laptop, kajol, ipod
7. Your dream last night? was quite scary
8. Your favorite drink? ice cold coke
9. Your dream guy/girl? please hurry up
10. The room you are in? my very own
11. Your fear? the hell fire
12. What do you want to be in 10 years? not quite sure
13. Who did you hang out with last night? all the family
14. What are you not? sure of direction
15. Are you in love? not at all
16. One of your wish list items? to go back
17. What time is it? six twenty three
18. The last thing you did? took a breath
19. What are you wearing? vest and pants
20. Your favorite book? check my profile
21. The last thing you ate? sandwich at granmothers
22. Your life? dont ask now!
23. Your mood? out of sync
24. Your friends? i miss you
25. What are you thinking about right now? nothing in particular
26. What are you doing at this moment? this question list
27. Your summer? was hot here
28. Your relationship status? null and void.
29. What is on your TV screen? i cant see
30. When is the last time you laughed? earlier on today

I tag …

Hamish Hoosain
Taqdeer
r
Fatima
Ms_Asmal

And seeing as tho. its the tag thing ... let me do the 5 things you dont know about me.. well considering that i dont know many of you.. il just say random things and they will be unknown :P

1. I wanted to be a doctor once.. now i have a BSc in Physiology and Psychology that i dont know what i plan on doing with.

2. When I was 13yrs i worked at the Spur as Chico-the-clown.. it was my first job!! i never tell anyone that!!

3. I think im an irc addict.. i mean i know i was one..but i think iv relapsed.. and not to mention that i used to be a phone addict..but im cured.. or lets just say good conversation became extinct

4. I miss the UK terribly.. and cry about it sometimes

5. Iv never had a boyfriend.. like a proper one.. or even a playtoy one.

entertaining the masses

so its the birthday on Friday.. *sigh* .. yup mine!
i get all anxious cos i have to plan things.. and i dnt like to think of what i want to do..
now i could just invite everyone home to chill at my place..but with this comes the mission of catering.. like cakes (both baking and buying), chips, cooldrinks, savouries (once again buying and making) and the rest.. with this comes extra before hand tidying up (dont ask me why!! this is what's meant to happen) and naturally cleaning up afterwards..
Or I could just invite everyone to go out for dinner or something.. i find this somehow limiting cos u cant invite everyone you know.. it would just be too much admin work.. calling people.. getting confirmations..making bookings etc. and there are bound to be last minute cancellations.. i really could do without the drama.. Or.. i could round up the peeps to go for a braai after Jumu'ah somewhere in the out doors.. this would seem pretty simple.. but also a degree of prep..
im starting to sounding lazy innit?..but there are 7 assignments due when i go back to school. .so im really getting stressed about that, and i would much prefer doing work on that than stressing myself out with a bday plan :/ arrgh!! i dunno what to do!! the family will also be coming around.. this goes without saying..which i totally dont mind :) but need to prep for that too... then its also Easter weekend..and many ppls go away.. so added to my planning concerns i need to ascertain who of my friends are available.. and knowing me il most likely only find this all out on thursday.. then be all sad cos everyone will be away..
oh i have no lis .. *sigh*
... help?

Song for the Unloved

This song landed on my ipod - I luv it ! Must be one of their best songs of late :)

Song for the Unloved
Backstreet Boys
Album - Never Gone
Track 13

Hey hey
This ones for the mothers who’ve lost a child
This ones for the gypsies who left their hearts behind
This is for the strangers sleeping in my heart
Take what they want and leave while it’s still dark

No one is glamorously lonely all by themselves

This is a song for the unloved
This is the music for one last cry
This is a prayer that tomorrow will help me leave the past behind
It’s a song for the unloved… the unloved

This ones for the bridesmaid, never the bride
And this ones for the dreamers who locked their faith inside
And this is for the widows who think there’s only one
For the dying fathers who never told their sons

No one is glamorously lonely
Follow your heart

This is a song for the unloved
This is the music for one last cry
This is a prayer that tomorrow will help me leave the past behind
It’s a song for the unloved… the unloved

Oh…Tomorrow the sun will shine and dry the tears in your eyes
Suddenly love comes alive
Suddenly love comes alive

For one last cry… just one last cry

This is a song for the unloved
This is the music for one last cry
This is a prayer that tomorrow will help me leave the past behind

This is a song for the unloved
This is the music for one last cry
This is a prayer that tomorrow will help me leave the past behind

This is…this is a song for the unloved
This is the music for one last cry
This is a prayer that tomorrow will help me leave the past behind
It’s a song for the unloved.

_________________________________________

Another one landed on my ipod and luved

The Apl Song by Black Eyed Peas

__________________________________________

24 f single

Of late there has just been this constant zoom-in on the fact that one my age to be married or heading that way. I'm not anywhere near getting married right now, and am quite OK with it most times. Everyone else seems way too concerned about my single status than I am. But more than the preoccupation by those I know, it seems that it what is expected but the broader community.

So i get back to Cape Town after being in the abroad for 10 months and the first thing people as is if I met someone over there.. umm..err.. NO.. sorry to disappoint you! Next they have this burning desire to find me a Mr. Right or Mr. Anybody so it seems.

Now my cousin feels its her duty to hook me up, and makes attempt to hook me up with someone I'm not remotely interested in, gives him my number, brings him to my home.. shame.. the guy is really sweet, but I cant help that nothing in him interests me.. not in the slightest.

Then I start this school to do a one year diploma and the majority of the class are fresh out of matric, and I sit next to this girl and she is asking me about what I've done and the rest. After telling her about my studies and travelling etc she goes on to say "Its a wonder you're not interested in getting married" .. to which I go off on a polite tangent telling her that one should not just marry for the sake of marriage..blah blah.. this could, if I took a deeper look at it, have been a reply on the defense. So clearly an 18 year old thinks a 24 year old should be married!

And now if that is not enough, this aunty who I get a lift home with from school has a 6 year old daughter that she picks up from school on our way home, the cutest little girl ever. Now at that age, it never seems inappropriate to ask anything.. so we pull up at my house and she says "are you going to get a lift with us everyday" to which I reply "I'm not sure, but maybe". She then says "Does aunty not have a husband?"

OK now this is enough to tell me that in the eyes of even little children, the accepted norm is for someone my age to be married. Should I be concerned? Should I be out searching for 'THE ONE' which according to another 'school of thought' will come when least expected and not looking! So what is the deal?

I always used to be so concerned about the whole marriage story. When I was younger, I used to say to myself that I wanted to be married by 25. I will be 25 in less than 3 weeks time. So clearly this is not going to happen. Why do we feel the need to go according to the clock set my societal expectations? With this said, I don't want to be married by 25! I don't feel all distraught by the fact that I am not in a relationship that should be headed to marriage.. This not saying that I don't want to get married, should it come my way, I would be most happy, but what bothers me is that it bothers others..

Now with my girl cousins on my mums side there are 6 of us that are 21 years old and over. 4 of which are married and have just had their first lot of babies, and the other one is about to get engaged.. and you ask where the pressure is coming from? Now having this doesn't help either.

So at one of these cousins' baby's name giving this Saturday, I once again had the questions of am I seeing anyone, do I have a boyfriend. Not that it phases me anymore..but it does concern me that people are feeling this sense of pity maybe? And maybe this is why there is this constant attempt to find someone for the 'poor single girl'

Then what got my blood boiling this morning was an sms from my cousin, yup, the same one who tried hooking me up with the guy I'm not interested in. The sms read as follows: Do you want to be involved in a Muslim match making group, My friend mailed me and asked me if i have single girl cousins. And he wants to add them to the database because their are quite a few guys involved already. If you are interested you must give details of the type of guy/qualities you want. But also sport and other interests. So, if you interested let me know. And be specific. I will send your details to him and then they arrange it.

Now are single people special needs kids? I mean one jokes around and says "Don't you have nice guy friends for me.." or to hooked up friends " Does he (their bf) have cute single cousins" .. but really now!! I was quite offended/insulted by that sms, and hence the post.

Ya OK, some people say, give anything a chance and you don't have to marry them or you don't have to even go out with them. Are these people joining 'the database' to even get to know the person, or is just the last desperate attempt to get married.

I just said to a friend of mine, after telling her about this sms, that I'm not that desperate... come to think of it.. I'm not desperate at all, and yes that may seem like the superficial answer of someone that hasn't given this a thought and maybe a closed minded approach to the offer.. but I do know what I want. And should I come to the end of my line, where I feel that just being is not getting me to a point I want to be then maybe..just maybe I would consider 'help'. But right now, as I stand, its not something that I feel has any degree of urgency. Not like I've been in and out of relationships, not like I've been wanting to get married for years.. for goodness sake.. im a 24 year old single female.. what is so wrong with that!!???

I'l just carry on in my merry way.. and let the rest of the world worry about my singledom.

That's all I have to say for now.. I may add a Chapter 2 to all of this.

Leave me alone

our lives are like a solitary island..
..why does mine seem to be a holiday resort?

. . . green jellytots . . .

i been thinking about blogging for the last couple of days and just dont know what to type.. i think lots of stuff but dunno if i can just put it on here for the virtual world to see.. im very private like that.. so i thought id just tell you about my green jelly tot discovery.. have you ever eat green jelly tots? they are the worst tasting jelly tots in the pack!! i promise you..i think they are sunlight liquid flavour :/ they are probably creme soda or something euww like that..same difference..you probably havnt noticed cos jelly tots are small and people usually stuff them into their mouths like 10 at a time.. but next time u buy jelly tots.. pick the green ones out and eat just them..and then you'll know what i mean..ok.. enuf randomness 4 now. I should have done this post in green huh? but need a change and something to brighten up this page..so orange it is :) im sure the orange jelly tots are nice! try them too..to take the green taste out of your mouth ;)

Deep Inside..

.. written on September 18 th 2004 ..

Since then my view of certain things has changed.. i've 'grown' a bit (or so i choose to somewhat believe) .. below was written with so much conviction at the time.. and yes i still feel that i would like to make a change, but today, i feel less phased by society as i did once before.. this will take me a step closer to the space i want to be in as described below..


'Deep inside the core of my being; my inner heart of hearts fights against and condemns my way of life.. the way I live.. the way in which I please society to displease myself.. and more accurately how I fear society, its scorn or condemnation towards expressing, being and living the true me, that resides deep inside of me, and that I alone know yearns to break out, to shine through and be.
I internally battle and fight against having to be and act the way we all do, do daily things we all do and act in a way that is 'normal'. I don't want to do what 'everyone' does and be dictated to by society. I long to be how I want to be.

I want to wear Hijaab
I want to abstain from inter-gender socialising
I do not want to hug and kiss my males friends in greeting anymore
I want to no longer go out without a mahram
I do not want to have a physical relationship with the man I am going to marry, before marriage
I want to say no to so many more things that are accepted into our societal norm, yet prohibited by our Creator, our Allah

Those things I long to do and long to abstain from, are far'd yet the society I live in does not consider it part of us, nor do they accept it as a way of life.
A way of life from which we are destined to reap rewards.
Reward in the hereafter, the life we all know we are living towards and living for.

I want to do so much, express so much more of what I feel deep down inside.
Yet I don't
I fear.
And who is it that I fear?
My equals. People.

In my expression, or lack thereof, (in the way I am currently living) I fear not my Creator, the One that will accept my expression of my inner core desire to strive for what is right, for what He has commanded me to do.

Sadly enough, a mere 'Because I am Muslim' as explanation response to a 'change' would not suffice. And even more sadly so, it would not suffice to a fellow Muslim.
My heart aches and bleeds at my own weakness. Weak am I to even write something like this and admit my fears of society and its condemnation and ridicule.
Yet I feel strong, in that I see the light that shines deep down inside my core being.
It is the true me, suppressed by external and societal influences, that Insha-ALLAH, will surface and shine brightly for my Creator, for my Allah... ALONE.'

"Because what might appear as not a really bad thing in the dialogue of the world could not necessarily be good within the explanation of Allah"

"Allah has send a book and a man to give us an example, and yet we still live our lives with a certain number of veils that cover how and what we see"

so this is..

so this is the first time i do this blog thing.
its the 'in' thing i hear. but am i really comfortable displaying -for almost anyone to see- my thoughts and what occupies my mind? do i even know what it is that occupies my mind? the chaos that floats up there. maybe if written down or typed out, like things said aloud, it will make more sense. surface into the real world. to be dealt with, if dealing with is what is needed.
so this is the first time i do this blog thing.
it could be fun i guess.
it could also be a whole lot of rubbish. but who is to know unless one tries.
i think il start by posting stuff i've written a while ago.
maybe il post random stuff. do i have to post poems? what if they dont rhyme?
so this is the first time i do this blog thing.
and im going to stop with this last few lines.
i want to see what it looks like when published.
i hope i didnt make too many grammatical and spelling errors.
i hope you like this one.
so this is the first blog thing done.