Friday, March 23, 2007

Song for the Unloved

This song landed on my ipod - I luv it ! Must be one of their best songs of late :)

Song for the Unloved

Backstreet Boys
Album - Never Gone
Track 13

Hey hey
This ones for the mothers who’ve lost a child
This ones for the gypsies who left their hearts behind
This is for the strangers sleeping in my heart
Take what they want and leave while it’s still dark

No one is glamorously lonely all by themselves

This is a song for the unloved
This is the music for one last cry
This is a prayer that tomorrow will help me leave the past behind
It’s a song for the unloved… the unloved

This ones for the bridesmaid, never the bride
And this ones for the dreamers who locked their faith inside
And this is for the widows who think there’s only one

For the dying fathers who never told their sons

No one is glamorously lonely
Follow your heart

This is a song for the unloved
This is the music for one last cry
This is a prayer that tomorrow will help me leave the past behind
It’s a song for the unloved… the unloved

Oh…Tomorrow the sun will shine and dry the tears in your eyes
Suddenly love comes alive
Suddenly love comes alive

For one last cry… just one last cry

This is a song for the unloved
This is the music for one last cry
This is a prayer that tomorrow will help me leave the past behind

This is a song for the unloved
This is the music for one last cry
This is a prayer that tomorrow will help me leave the past behind

This is…this is a song for the unloved
This is the music for one last cry
This is a prayer that tomorrow will help me leave the past behind
It’s a song for the unloved.


Another one landed on my ipod and luved

The Apl Song by Black Eyed Peas


Monday, March 19, 2007

24 f single

Of late there has just been this constant zoom-in on the fact that one my age to be married or heading that way. I'm not anywhere near getting married right now, and am quite OK with it most times. Everyone else seems way too concerned about my single status than I am. But more than the preoccupation by those I know, it seems that it what is expected but the broader community.

So i get back to Cape Town after being in the abroad for 10 months and the first thing people as is if I met someone over there.. umm..err.. NO.. sorry to disappoint you! Next they have this burning desire to find me a Mr. Right or Mr. Anybody so it seems.

Now my cousin feels its her duty to hook me up, and makes attempt to hook me up with someone I'm not remotely interested in, gives him my number, brings him to my home.. shame.. the guy is really sweet, but I cant help that nothing in him interests me.. not in the slightest.

Then I start this school to do a one year diploma and the majority of the class are fresh out of matric, and I sit next to this girl and she is asking me about what I've done and the rest. After telling her about my studies and travelling etc she goes on to say "Its a wonder you're not interested in getting married" .. to which I go off on a polite tangent telling her that one should not just marry for the sake of marriage..blah blah.. this could, if I took a deeper look at it, have been a reply on the defense. So clearly an 18 year old thinks a 24 year old should be married!

And now if that is not enough, this aunty who I get a lift home with from school has a 6 year old daughter that she picks up from school on our way home, the cutest little girl ever. Now at that age, it never seems inappropriate to ask anything.. so we pull up at my house and she says "are you going to get a lift with us everyday" to which I reply "I'm not sure, but maybe". She then says "Does aunty not have a husband?"

OK now this is enough to tell me that in the eyes of even little children, the accepted norm is for someone my age to be married. Should I be concerned? Should I be out searching for 'THE ONE' which according to another 'school of thought' will come when least expected and not looking! So what is the deal?

I always used to be so concerned about the whole marriage story. When I was younger, I used to say to myself that I wanted to be married by 25. I will be 25 in less than 3 weeks time. So clearly this is not going to happen. Why do we feel the need to go according to the clock set my societal expectations? With this said, I don't want to be married by 25! I don't feel all distraught by the fact that I am not in a relationship that should be headed to marriage.. This not saying that I don't want to get married, should it come my way, I would be most happy, but what bothers me is that it bothers others..

Now with my girl cousins on my mums side there are 6 of us that are 21 years old and over. 4 of which are married and have just had their first lot of babies, and the other one is about to get engaged.. and you ask where the pressure is coming from? Now having this doesn't help either.

So at one of these cousins' baby's name giving this Saturday, I once again had the questions of am I seeing anyone, do I have a boyfriend. Not that it phases me anymore..but it does concern me that people are feeling this sense of pity maybe? And maybe this is why there is this constant attempt to find someone for the 'poor single girl'

Then what got my blood boiling this morning was an sms from my cousin, yup, the same one who tried hooking me up with the guy I'm not interested in. The sms read as follows: Do you want to be involved in a Muslim match making group, My friend mailed me and asked me if i have single girl cousins. And he wants to add them to the database because their are quite a few guys involved already. If you are interested you must give details of the type of guy/qualities you want. But also sport and other interests. So, if you interested let me know. And be specific. I will send your details to him and then they arrange it.

Now are single people special needs kids? I mean one jokes around and says "Don't you have nice guy friends for me.." or to hooked up friends " Does he (their bf) have cute single cousins" .. but really now!! I was quite offended/insulted by that sms, and hence the post.

Ya OK, some people say, give anything a chance and you don't have to marry them or you don't have to even go out with them. Are these people joining 'the database' to even get to know the person, or is just the last desperate attempt to get married.

I just said to a friend of mine, after telling her about this sms, that I'm not that desperate... come to think of it.. I'm not desperate at all, and yes that may seem like the superficial answer of someone that hasn't given this a thought and maybe a closed minded approach to the offer.. but I do know what I want. And should I come to the end of my line, where I feel that just being is not getting me to a point I want to be then maybe..just maybe I would consider 'help'. But right now, as I stand, its not something that I feel has any degree of urgency. Not like I've been in and out of relationships, not like I've been wanting to get married for years.. for goodness sake.. im a 24 year old single female.. what is so wrong with that!!???

I'l just carry on in my merry way.. and let the rest of the world worry about my singledom.

That's all I have to say for now.. I may add a Chapter 2 to all of this.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Leave me alone

our lives are like a solitary island..
..why does mine seem to be a holiday resort?

Thursday, March 15, 2007

. . . green jellytots . . .

i been thinking about blogging for the last couple of days and just dont know what to type.. i think lots of stuff but dunno if i can just put it on here for the virtual world to see.. im very private like that.. so i thought id just tell you about my green jelly tot discovery.. have you ever eat green jelly tots? they are the worst tasting jelly tots in the pack!! i promise you..i think they are sunlight liquid flavour :/ they are probably creme soda or something euww like that..same probably havnt noticed cos jelly tots are small and people usually stuff them into their mouths like 10 at a time.. but next time u buy jelly tots.. pick the green ones out and eat just them..and then you'll know what i mean..ok.. enuf randomness 4 now. I should have done this post in green huh? but need a change and something to brighten up this orange it is :) im sure the orange jelly tots are nice! try them take the green taste out of your mouth ;)

Friday, March 02, 2007

Deep Inside..

.. written on September 18 th 2004 ..

Since then my view of certain things has changed.. i've 'grown' a bit (or so i choose to somewhat believe) .. below was written with so much conviction at the time.. and yes i still feel that i would like to make a change, but today, i feel less phased by society as i did once before.. this will take me a step closer to the space i want to be in as described below..

'Deep inside the core of my being; my inner heart of hearts fights against and condemns my way of life.. the way I live.. the way in which I please society to displease myself.. and more accurately how I fear society, its scorn or condemnation towards expressing, being and living the true me, that resides deep inside of me, and that I alone know yearns to break out, to shine through and be.
I internally battle and fight against having to be and act the way we all do, do daily things we all do and act in a way that is 'normal'. I don't want to do what 'everyone' does and be dictated to by society. I long to be how I want to be.

I want to wear Hijaab
I want to abstain from inter-gender socialising
I do not want to hug and kiss my males friends in greeting anymore
I want to no longer go out without a mahram
I do not want to have a physical relationship with the man I am going to marry, before marriage
I want to say no to so many more things that are accepted into our societal norm, yet prohibited by our Creator, our Allah

Those things I long to do and long to abstain from, are far'd yet the society I live in does not consider it part of us, nor do they accept it as a way of life.
A way of life from which we are destined to reap rewards.
Reward in the hereafter, the life we all know we are living towards and living for.

I want to do so much, express so much more of what I feel deep down inside.
Yet I don't
I fear.
And who is it that I fear?
My equals. People.

In my expression, or lack thereof, (in the way I am currently living) I fear not my Creator, the One that will accept my expression of my inner core desire to strive for what is right, for what He has commanded me to do.

Sadly enough, a mere 'Because I am Muslim' as explanation response to a 'change' would not suffice. And even more sadly so, it would not suffice to a fellow Muslim.
My heart aches and bleeds at my own weakness. Weak am I to even write something like this and admit my fears of society and its condemnation and ridicule.
Yet I feel strong, in that I see the light that shines deep down inside my core being.
It is the true me, suppressed by external and societal influences, that Insha-ALLAH, will surface and shine brightly for my Creator, for my Allah... ALONE.'

"Because what might appear as not a really bad thing in the dialogue of the world could not necessarily be good within the explanation of Allah"

"Allah has send a book and a man to give us an example, and yet we still live our lives with a certain number of veils that cover how and what we see"

Thursday, March 01, 2007

so this is..

so this is the first time i do this blog thing.
its the 'in' thing i hear. but am i really comfortable displaying -for almost anyone to see- my thoughts and what occupies my mind? do i even know what it is that occupies my mind? the chaos that floats up there. maybe if written down or typed out, like things said aloud, it will make more sense. surface into the real world. to be dealt with, if dealing with is what is needed.
so this is the first time i do this blog thing.

it could be fun i guess.
it could also be a whole lot of rubbish. but who is to know unless one tries.
i think il start by posting stuff i've written a while ago.
maybe il post random stuff. do i have to post poems? what if they dont rhyme?
so this is the first time i do this blog thing.
and im going to stop with this last few lines.
i want to see what it looks like when published.
i hope i didnt make too many grammatical and spelling errors.
i hope you like this one.
so this is the first blog thing done.