.. written on September 18 th 2004 ..
Since then my view of certain things has changed.. i've 'grown' a bit (or so i choose to somewhat believe) .. below was written with so much conviction at the time.. and yes i still feel that i would like to make a change, but today, i feel less phased by society as i did once before.. this will take me a step closer to the space i want to be in as described below..
'Deep inside the core of my being; my inner heart of hearts fights against and condemns my way of life.. the way I live.. the way in which I please society to displease myself.. and more accurately how I fear society, its scorn or condemnation towards expressing, being and living the true me, that resides deep inside of me, and that I alone know yearns to break out, to shine through and be.
I internally battle and fight against having to be and act the way we all do, do daily things we all do and act in a way that is 'normal'. I don't want to do what 'everyone' does and be dictated to by society. I long to be how I want to be.
I want to wear Hijaab
I want to abstain from inter-gender socialising
I do not want to hug and kiss my males friends in greeting anymore
I want to no longer go out without a mahram
I do not want to have a physical relationship with the man I am going to marry, before marriage
I want to say no to so many more things that are accepted into our societal norm, yet prohibited by our Creator, our Allah
Those things I long to do and long to abstain from, are far'd yet the society I live in does not consider it part of us, nor do they accept it as a way of life.
A way of life from which we are destined to reap rewards.
Reward in the hereafter, the life we all know we are living towards and living for.
I want to do so much, express so much more of what I feel deep down inside.
Yet I don't
I fear.
And who is it that I fear?
My equals. People.
In my expression, or lack thereof, (in the way I am currently living) I fear not my Creator, the One that will accept my expression of my inner core desire to strive for what is right, for what He has commanded me to do.
Sadly enough, a mere 'Because I am Muslim' as explanation response to a 'change' would not suffice. And even more sadly so, it would not suffice to a fellow Muslim.
My heart aches and bleeds at my own weakness. Weak am I to even write something like this and admit my fears of society and its condemnation and ridicule.
Yet I feel strong, in that I see the light that shines deep down inside my core being.
It is the true me, suppressed by external and societal influences, that Insha-ALLAH, will surface and shine brightly for my Creator, for my Allah... ALONE.'
"Because what might appear as not a really bad thing in the dialogue of the world could not necessarily be good within the explanation of Allah"
"Allah has send a book and a man to give us an example, and yet we still live our lives with a certain number of veils that cover how and what we see"
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.. AND SO THE DISCLOSURE BEGINS..
" For thought is a bird of space, that in a cage of words many indeed unfold its wings but cannot fly. "
- Pseudo_Name
- Me is a realm I have not vested much time in delving into as yet. When we are asked who we are..or to speak about the 'ME' .. what is meant? our gender? our age? our qualification ? or where we are headed? our dreams? aspirations? On the surface.. I am female..I study..I enjoy good company, good books and good ice cream..but who am I really? For me to tell you.. I would have to know.. And for the now.. I do not know.
6 comments:
You know once you recognise that need change, the whole world falls apart. The whole world changes and you wonder if you need all this change. then you realise, that weakness is ok and that falling part is ok, because you are changing things. For the better. Inshallah
"Weither you believe that you can, or weither you believe that you can't - you are absolutely right."
If you want to be different, you merely have to be :)
hallo baby bear
How goes the day?
Just re-read your blog.
Yeah you arent alone. It's hard and I am oh such a naughty naughty boy at times.
But then maybe things will improve when I start doing things right.
So many questions.
So few phone numbers :)
Ok bad joke.
Love and Kisses
Skull Crusher
Wa alkm slm :)
Taqdeer my friend.. you are so right! and i was just about to type..BUT..etc etc.. However there should be no buts in the way of pleasing our Creator.. InshaAllah, may the path be made easy for all of us striving to please Him :)
Ola skull crusher.. days are good shukran.
I totally understand when u say the whole world falls apart..thats cos we're so used to living a western world..
Take care boys.. chat soon.. :)
i feel the same.
everyday i want to become a better muslim, but i fall in the deep rut of temptation and fear.
As long as we are aware,we can try. Alham,iv been wearin hijab for over 5yrs nw,hav neva had a bf,n try to live as islamically as i can. But the intermingling is the most difficult to abstain frm.slowly,iv cut contact with most of my male frnds,n i try as much as possible not to go out with mixed groups. May we all succeed in our efforts. Ameen
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